Who are you when you’re nothing?

When I first heard this story I couldn’t stop thinking about it for a week:

A good friend of mine, Debra, had found incredible success in writing, speaking, and consulting by the age of 35.  She would fly all over the world giving talks and meeting with huge organizations that would ask for her advice.  While home, she’d write for her wildly successful blog and care for her children.  She was remarkably balanced for one so successful.  

Although she was busy, she would always take the time to meet with me.  She would tell me all of these wonderful stories about the people she was helping and the lives she was changing.  Everyone that knew Debra saw nothing but success and happiness in her future.  

However, later that year, Debra’s hands started to shake.  One day, her legs gave out and she fell, hitting her head on a coffee table.  It was the following trip to the emergency room that gave her the first diagnosis of ALS.  We were all shocked.

In the following months, I would still regularly meet with Debra.  It was a little different now, her condition had soon confined her to a bed.  I will never forget one of the conversations I had with her during those months.

She could no longer control her speech very well, so she whispered to me, “I can no longer control my hands, so I cannot write.  I can no longer stand in front of an audience, so I cannot speak.  I can no longer leave this bed, so I cannot care for my children as I have in the past.  Writer, speaker, mother - if I’m no longer any of these things then who am I?”

I was stunned by the implications of what she was saying, but I knew who she was.  ”You are a loving, courageous, wise and inspiring woman.”

“Thank you,” she replied.  ”And you’ll always be the kind, compassionate, and joyful friend that I know I can turn to.” 

———

This story provides us with a wonderful opportunity: we can choose who we want to be when we’re “nothing”.  We can choose the values we want to live our lives by, the values that define us.  Then our work is simple.  With each passing day, we can work to live in greater alignment with those values.  And we don’t have to wait until we’re on our deathbed to ask our friends who we are.  We can proactively ask them, “based on how I act, what do you think my values are?” Reality checks sometimes hurt, but at least then you know where you stand.

I’ve come up with a four step process for living your life by your values.  Please know that this isn’t the “right” way to do it.  It’s one way that’s worked for me.  Take from it what works for you.

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Five techniques Luskin teaches for reducing stress and increasing happiness

1) Keep a daily gratitude journal, listing items for which you feel grateful.

2) Perform a meditation practice, or simply a few minutes of deep breathing and quiet reflection on something that made you happy. Consider what you can do to achieve that happiness again.

3) Make a habit of sharing the highlights of your day with someone close to you.

4) Practice forgiveness routinely.

5) Construct a list of all activities and experiences that relax and rejuvenate you. Use items from this list to manage your daily stress.

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My Mission Hierarchy

I want to change the world for the better while enjoying my life as much as possible

       By growing, playing, loving, building community, and creating value

                  Through teaching and social entrepreneurship

                              e.g. MBA with Friends

                              e.g. RobNorback.com

                              e.g. Creating a business that helps the developing world

My Values

What’s Your Mission Hierarchy?

A couple days ago I was talking to Cesar about his mission in life and realized I didn’t even know my fiancé’s mission.  So the next day when we went on a hike, I decided to ask her about her mission.  I didn’t know I’d rediscover my own in the process.

As we walk and talk, I start to gradually collect the pieces of her passions in life.  She wants to be a teacher and a therapist.  She loves unlocking potential in children and helping people ignite their passion.  Her mission in life is to simply be happy and help others be happy.  And she wants to work on Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) with kids and explore Big Picture Learning.

I try tying some of the pieces together: 

“So let me see if I understand… you want to be happy and help others be happy by unlocking their potential and igniting their passion.”

(Pause)

“No, that just doesn’t feel right.”

“Bummer.  I really thought I was on to something there.”

It’s not until an hour later, while we’re sitting in the parking lot that it hits me.

“Wait!  Is it a hierarchy?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, how does this sound?”

You want to be happy and help others be happy

       By unlocking potential and igniting passion

              Through teaching and therapy

                        E.g. ABA with kids

                        E.g. Big Picture Learning 

“But they’re tiers, with each statement under the next, they aren’t connected because they can change independently.” 

“Yeah! I like it!”

I’ve always thought of a mission in a very linear fashion.  I thought it had to be a single phrase that captured your entire life purpose.  However, I’d spent three years trying to detect and develop such a statement to no avail.  My interests are so many and ever changing.  The mission statement wasn’t permanent enough to ground me or flexible enough accommodate my changing interests.  But a hierarchy just might work.  I decided to try it out myself.  Here’s what I came up with:

????????????????

     By creating communities of growth, play and learning

            Through teaching and social entrepreneurship

                    E.g. Bold Academy

                    E.g. MBA with Friends

I realized I was missing my core mission! Whoops! 

I did a gut check, because I felt like my mission was sitting there in my chest and for some reason I just wasn’t acknowledging it. 

“What drives me?  What’s my reason for doing anything important?” 

I have a deep-seated desire to change the world for the better.  That can be done in big and small ways, but it’s a tall order in my mind and I often wonder if I can actually do it.  This wasn’t a time to hold back, so here it goes.

I want to change the world for the better.

       By creating communities of growth, play and learning

                Through teaching and social entrepreneurship

                        E.g. Bold Academy

                        E.g. MBA with Friends

                        E.g. Create a business that fights poverty in the developing world (bonus realization that came from finishing my mission hierarchy)

I love it!  There are several advantages that are immediately apparent.  My mission is now actionable.  My core mission probably won’t change, but the methods for achieving it will change more often the lower they are on the hierarchy.  But that makes sense because pursuing your passion is a journey not a destination (more on that later).

If you’re interested in giving this a try here is the mission hierarchy broken down into its components:

1) Your mission (The reason you have deep down for doing anything important.)

2) Your passion umbrella (What you care deeply about. If you write, you’ll keep writing about these things)

3) Your passion avenue (The ways you enjoy actualizing your passion the most.  You often do these without thinking.)

4) Your passion in practice (What you can actually do right now to bring your mission and passion to life.)

Once you finish your mission hierarchy, reblog it!  I’d love to see what you come up with. 

——

Special thanks to Theresa for editing, Evan for motivation, and Amber for a kick in the ass.